Today is my birthday. For the first time in more than two decades I’m making a public announcement of it. Right here.
Since middle school, I have hated birthdays. I squirmed when I was the center of attention and, yet, I simultaneously felt bereft when the day was ignored. I largely decided the public attention was worse than feeling lonely and actively worked to keep the day under wraps. For years my birthday fell in the first week or so of summer camp while we were getting ready for the kids and I did everything I could to keep it a secret. I did NOT want to skip around the lodge to the silly birthday song or have anything else similar happen.
So, this last week I began dreading Friday. My birthday is hidden from Facebook and only a few people both know and will remember, but I was still dreading it.
Then I began to sort the memories that led me here. My 14th birthday I remember in the most detail. But my 5th came back too. And then 8,9,10. And 12 and 13. And 16,17,18,19…None of them were overtly traumatic or abusive and all those birthdays contained the appropriate kind of celebration to photograph where all looks well. But they all also contained painful and uncomfortable, even shame inducing moments.
But, it is perhaps a powerful day to teach a child whether or not he is wanted on this earth and whether or not the anniversary of her birth is a day to rejoice. Is a birthday celebration an exciting and fun thing to plan because one loves one’s children? Or is it an imposition? One can throw a party and still communicate “imposition”. And how that message undermines everything.
And, then, I realized that I so internalized the message I am an imposition that I have been making darn sure my birthday is not an imposition. I had so internalized the message I might not be wanted, that I could not let others celebrate my being here.
For isn’t that what a birthday is? A celebration that a person is here? Not a celebration of achievements and accomplishments, but simple gratitude that a person is here with us in this life?
As a minister and as a parent I know my life speaks to others so much more than my words. And I do want other people to celebrate their being here on this planet. I want my children, the beautiful people I serve, and everybody, really, to each know that they belong, they have worth, their being here is cause to celebrate. So, I am choosing this year to reclaim my birthday as cause for celebration, not cause for dread. I doubt it will be easy. I’m sure the uncomfortable feelings will be there! But I’m choosing to be present even to these. Perhaps next year I’ll update everyone on how this part of the healing project is going.
